The application of this George Castanza principle in life is for us to notice how often we get into a rut doing the same things over and over again, even if they don’t don’t work, or how we fall into patterns or routines on the most basic level – the way we travel to work, routines we do at home.

Learning to break out of our comfort zones often involves doing something different, or opposite what we would normally do, for the sake of exploring the emotions that arise, expanding our comfort zone, experiencing more out of our lives, trying something new, living life more fully, etc.

As we break out of old patterns and consciously try something different, there will be often other feelings, fear, excitement, newness, all worthy of watching. I’d like to challenge anyone open to this, to apply the George Castanza principle in your life and share what happens.

Ram Dass shared that one of the challenges many of us have in life is learning to say with an open heart. That often we are trained by society, family to not say “no.” Yet when we have difficulty saying “no” we then leave ourselves open to creating inordinate amounts of stress.

In learning to take care of ourselves, one of the lessons is the lesson of boundary setting. One of the keys to boundary setting is knowing your limits, honoring yourself, and honoring your time.

An excellent challenge for those of us who have a hard time saying no, is to practice it, just like a homework assignment in school. To let yourself go and just say no (no drug joke intended here) to someone or something just for the experience of it, and see how it feels, notice what your thoughts are when you do say no, what do you fear, what are your emotions, and then share those here.

Some questions to ask are what happens to you when you think “no,” but say “yes.” In some ways, this goes back to the authentic self. Which self is saying “yes.”

In this group I taught today of senior citizens, the issue of boundaries came up. One man, Sheldon, shared that he knows a woman that always says “yes” to everything. He was very bothered by it, because he believed that she had no boundaries. When I asked him did it bother her to say “yes,” he said “no” she is very loving and giving and has no problem with it. She said she loves saying “yes”. Was it true? Who knows? But there are no absolutes here. There is no right answer. Just an answer that is truest for you.

The bigger question is, are you saying “yes” when you are feeling “no,” and if so, perhaps an exploration of what it means to say “no” to someone else. Does it mean your heart is cut off from them? Is it just an old habit that keeps playing itself out? Is it something that needs to get developed and nurtured and practice, as any other behavior does.

Sometimes having a formula for assertiveness helps. Here’s one of my favorites. It is called “DESC” – Describe, Explain, Specify and Consequence.

It goes like this: When you ______. I feel _______. I would prefer you do this _____. If you do______ (reward), if you don’t______ (consequence). Example: When you come home late, after I’ve cooked a meal, and you don’t call, I feel disrespected/hurt. I would prefer you call me if you aren’t going to come home. If you do I’ll keep your food warm. If you don’t I’ll be angry, throw the food against the wall, and you can go and enjoy a nice hot meal at McDonalds.

What does it take to deal with, let alone overcome this kind of stress and fear?  Here is one man’s answer:

Norman Cousins’s Story

Actually, when you understand how we put up blocks to humor, you can start laughing more.  Here is a short audio on how to do this…

Blocks to Humor

A smile is a universal sign of friendship and greeting, but it has much more importance than these things alone. Here is a great, short exercise based on “smile research” for you – make sure you have a pencil handy…

Smile and Laughter Exercise

There are a number of issues I’d like to address.  The first is your ability to simply receive help.  When you are a health care worker, or a therapist, or anyone who is a helper, you are perceived as an expert giver.  Often, expert givers are not taught or expected to be expert receivers, yet without learning to be an expert receiver it is often then difficult to be a good giver.   When you give to others without getting filled up yourself, you can burn out.  The implications of burnout are significant.  Some of the symptoms of burnout are feeling tired and drained a great deal of time, lowered immunity, frequent headaches, back aches, change in appetite or sleep habits.  Emotionally you might feel a sense of failure, helplessness, less motivation, feeling cynical or negative.  Other behaviors might include withdrawing from responsibility, isolating yourself, skipping work and using food, drugs or alcohol to cope.

Some suggestions for dealing with burnout include:

Finding time during your day to do something relaxing or nurturing.  Whether it be taking a warm bath, putting on some relaxing music, doing yoga, stretching, or reading something inspirational.

• Learn to set boundaries for yourself. One of the problems of health care workers is to learn how to say no.  If you are always saying yes to everyone around you, then there is a good chance that you are feeling overextended.   One of my favorite speakers, Ram Dass, said that it is important to learn to say “no” with an open heart.  What I believe he means by that is to learn to say no, with love.  It is not an easy task but it is a worthy one.

• Realize that you are worthy and deserving of time to yourself. Sometimes there may be inner feelings that you don’t deserve to be happy or that you don’t deserve to feel good.   I have a basic tenet that you deserve to be happy simply because you are alive.

• Practice the basics of stress management. There are three basics needs for managing stress, eating a balanced meal, sleeping about seven hours a day and exercising.  Make sure that you are doing these on a regular basis.

• Practicing relaxation techniques. For the past six years, I have shared numerous techniques with my reading audience.  There are many techniques available, for those of you who are mental reactors, physical reactors or mixed reactors.  Find one, two or more and practice them regularly.  The more you practice relaxation techniques the easier they will become, and people that practice these techniques develop a resistance to stress.  What is stressing you out now, will not necessarily stress you out in two weeks if you practice these techniques.

If I told you that even spending 30 seconds of those 86,400 seconds on your needs, could mean a huge difference in your day, would you consider taking that time for yourself?

Most people spend most of their day focused on the needs of others, the needs of their job, their spouse, their children, their friends, their co-workers.

It’s amazing to me how often I hear people tell me that they can’t even find 30 seconds during their day to devote to their relaxation! 30 seconds!?

I know what it is like to not have time. I’ve experienced the feeling and it is a horrible one. When I’ve asked a few people about how often they use Relaxation On-Demand, I sometimes get the response, “I can’t spare 30 seconds for myself.”

I want you to think about what your time is worth, what your life is worth. Here’s what we know. People that practice stress management techniques develop a resistance to stress. So even taking 30 seconds out of your day to focus on your needs, can make a huge difference.

Think about how much of your life is on automatic, and in that automatic life, in the habits you have, how many of them are habits to nurture you? Where are you in the equation?

Knowing what we know about stress, the physical and psychological implications, the ailments associated with stress — is your health worth taking 30 seconds out of your day, for you?

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When was the last time you let yourself play?

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I believe that the environment that I live and work in creates stress for me. Can you tell me ways that I de-stress these environments?

Living in Stress

Dear Living in Stress,

The environment that we live and work in can either create stress or relaxation. It depends on what we do with those environments. In fact, our environment is one of three primary stress categories. The other two are social and physiological stressors. I would be happy to give you some tips on how to de-stress your work and home environment:
De-clutter – The more clutter that exists in your home, the more stressful it can be. I recommend the six month rule. If you haven’t used something in the last six months, Ebay it, give it to the Salvation Army, a friend or family member. I believe in Feng Shui, and have used it effectively in my own home. Feng Shui opens up the energy in a home. I found that it created spaciousness and increased energy in my home.

Comfortable Furniture – I would recommend finding furniture that is ergonomically correct. If you sit in a chair and find that it puts a strain on your back, or your neck, get rid of it or give it away. Replace it with furniture that works for your entire body.

Lighting – Bad lighting can cause eye strain. It is important to create the best possible lighting in your home and office. Even fluorescent lights can create a subtle yet stressful effect on the eyes. Halogen light and full spectrum light are the more relaxing forms of lighting.

Colors – Sometimes colors can be subtle, yet stress-inducing. Earth tones, greens and blues are the most soothing colors.

Scents – At home, you may want to consider incense, or aromatherapy such as green apple and lavender which are the most soothing. At work, scents, such as heavy perfumes, can sometimes be distracting and stress-inducing. You may want to consider recommending an aroma-free working environment. Some interesting information about scents: If you were born between 1900-1930- natural smells such as trees, hay, horse, and pine will relax you. If you were born between 1930-present-the smell of Playdough, Pez, and Sweet Tarts will relax you. If you were born in the Eastern United States, the smell of flowers will relax you. If you were born in the Midwest, you will find the smell of farm animals soothing. If you were born in the West, you will find the smell of meat barbecuing soothing and if you were born in the South, you will find the smell of fresh air soothing.

Poor ventilation – Poor ventilation, though subtle, can be stress-inducing. Poor ventilation can also cause headaches. You may want to try to bring as much natural air into an office or home.
Too much noise – Various types of noise can be very stressful. Constant ringing phones, sounds of traffic. Are there ways to reduce the levels of noise in your home or working environment? White noise can be a way to mask unpleasant noises and actually induce relaxation.

Too Cold or Too Hot – Extremes in temperature can be stress inducing. If someone in your home or office likes the environment either too hot or too cold, it may be important to find a happy medium – a temperature that is more in the midrange.

Decorate your home or office with uplifting, empowering and positive objects. What gives you positive feelings when you look at them? I personally love stained glass and find that by adding these objects in my environment it uplifts the area for me. What uplifts you?

Music – At home, choose music without lyrics and no emotional baggage.
Take breaks during your day. Dr. Stephen Rechstaffen, who wrote “Time Shifting” talks about creating personal pause buttons. Instead of answering your phone on the first ring, he suggests answering it on the second ring. Use the first ring to take a deep breath in. At lunch time, take a walk in nature and don’t. If you take a walk with a workmate, don’t talk business. It keeps you in stress mode. When you get home, shift yourself out of work mode, take a bath, or do something nurturing for yourself.

Add family pictures or pets in your office to help create a more relaxed and pleasant feeling.

Try to reduce your stressors one at a time. Don’t do it all at once.

I hope these suggestions were helpful!

Best of luck to you,

Robert L. Friedman